Mine's a cosmoplitan...

So the whole turning 40 thing had me thinking about celebrating, about doing something to mark my birthday, to preserve it in my memory as moment in time.

In much the same way that sweet, sticky tree resin preserves fatally attracted insects.

Am I comparing me throwing a 40th birthday party to a fly unable to resist the lure of that which brings about it's own death?

Why yes, yes I am.

I thought about doing something like sky diving or abseiling, but it smacked too much of mid life ciris for for comfort.

I thought about not doing anything, but too many people who had done that, told me they had regretted it.

I thought about throwing a party, but worried that people wouldn't want to come, that I didn't know enough people, who properly like me, to make a good party.  This particularly useless train of throught continued for some time, right up until the week of my birthday.  I finally pulled myself out of this nosedive of emotion and decided that Yes!  I would have a party.  And what eventualy surfaced as pizza and cocktails for about 26 adults and children, was born.

I had the best birthday I have had in a good many years.  People came (always slightly surprising to me), they talked, and laughed, and ate and drank and didn't leave until a good 5 or 6 hours after they arrived - so I think they enjoyed themselves. 

I certainly did.



Cocktail making paraphenalia at the ready!

The Roaring Fourties

So, here's the thing.  I turned 40.  It wasn't unexpected, stay alive long enough and happens to everyone.  I wasn't even that perturbed by the idea.   Just another number, I told myself.

So there I was, lying in bed on the morning of friday the 19th of October 2012.  I sat up, switched my alarm off, and sank back against the pillows, musing.  40.  I was now 40.  

'This is alright' I thought.  'Don't know why everybody makes such a big deal about it.'

And then I thought '40 years' which was round about the time I had the stomach wrenching realisaton that "being 40" means having been ALIVE FOR FOURTY YEARS!!  Oh my good god and an assortment of expletives.  I suppose my mind had been protecting me beforehand  - although why it had to stop protecting me at such a vulnerable moment I don't know.   

So there it is.

I have been alive for 40 years.

It has been, all in all, a pretty damn good ride.  And if what those who have been there before me say is true, the ride gets better. 

So I guess I better hold on to my hat!! Or perhaps, first buy a hat, and then hold on to it.

Where has he even heard the term before?

I was in the backyard this afternoon tidying things away when I heard Tom behind me.

Hey Mum, guess what?  I'm a coke head!!

I swung round in horror, taken aback and mighty confused, only to be presented with this...

... I burst out laughing, and he was very pleased with my reaction, little realising that the two of us were laughing at very different things!

Relief

Steve has a job.

Even now as I write this it still feels unreal.  We heard last Monday that they wanted him, but neither of us wanted to talk about it, or believe it until the contract was signed.  When he told me about it I asked how certain it was, and he replied 95%.  My response to that was I wouldn't even begin to allow myself to feel any relief, until it was confirmed, because for the last 18 months we seem to have been in that shitty 5%. 

But it is confirmed, contract signed and the sense of relief I feel, well I cannot really describe it. 

I feel a lightness, as if something was physically weighing me down, was sitting on my shoulders.  And  now it has just evaporated.

There are some drawbacks; it is only a 9 month contract and it is away from home so Steve has to leave the house at 6pm on Sunday night and not get back till 8pm Friday.  But we can live with these because we can pay the mortgage!  It takes pressure off me to find work as soon as possible and allows me to perhaps study something in term two to increase my chances of getting a job that I actually want and not just a job to pay bills. 

It sucks for family life, obviously.  Having had him at home for the last 18 months, to suddenly have him gone, has the boys and I bit bereft.  And I think Steve finds it all a bit lonely.  But we will persevere, and we will get through it, just like we have the last 18 months of adversity.