I had finished reading Tom's bedtime stories and was lying with him while he fell asleep. It has, lately, become a special, companionable time which feels like a little, warm cubby hole, separate from the world. He usually makes random little comments from his day as he drifts off and tonight it was " Special Agent Oso says a birthday is forever but it isn't, it's just for one day isn't it mummy?". I murmured something soothing, but my brain kicked in and I was thinking
...well, yes your birthday is just one day a year, but it is forever the day of your birth and so in that sense, your birthday is forever, just like the 4th of January will always be Grandpa's birthday, even though he isn't with us anymore...
and in that moment, with that thought, a vast, yawning, gaping precipice of a cavern opened up right through my chest like a physical thing. My eyes filled and I was right back there in that first, raw grief. Every year the 4th of January will come, to me it will always be my Dad's birthday, but he will never be there again. Birthdays are forever, people are not.
Monday, 29 November 2010
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Bathroom news
So the bathroom is coming along. I never knew 2 weeks could be soooo long. The bathroom has been through a few incarnations
Total destruction
Recovery work begins
Bathroom is too cold and the bath has no plug
Lovely high Victorian ceiling we uncovered!
Will post when its done!!
Total destruction
Recovery work begins
Bathroom is too cold and the bath has no plug
Starting to get there - floor, bath and toilet in tomorrow!
Lovely high Victorian ceiling we uncovered!
Will post when its done!!
Stubborness thy name is Tom
The day began with me hammering on the bathroom door and yelling "let me in!! mummy needs a wee!!!". It wasn't a good way to start the day after another abysmal nights sleep (partly courtesy of Tom and partly as a result of an inability to fall asleep recently) and was probably a slight overreaction. Let me explain. So we have been having our new bathroom fitted for the last week and a half, which has been dire, but could have been a whole lot worse. But what it does mean is that we have not had a working toilet on the 1st floor for about a week now, so we have to go up to the 2nd floor to use the loo (which is just a basic toilet and basin). Ten to seven this morning Tom woke me saying his eyes were crusty (I know, nice), so I said that I would take him downstairs to clean them because that's where the cotton wool was, but that first of all I needed to go for a wee. At which point he leapt up and over me and raced upstairs giggling that he was going to be first. Fine. Except not. He locked the door and then refused to open it. Now you must understand that I was desperate. I was running a high sugar level which means that your body tries to get rid of the sugar through urine. So I really, really needed to go. And the little bugger refused to let me in. I was so cross with him! I pleaded, I ordered, I demanded. I pretended to walk away to trick him into opening it. No go. At this point Steve came upstairs to find out what the hullabaloo was, and his reaction was to switch the light off. Cue hysterical screaming from the bathroom. Would he open the door. Would he, buggery. I am appalled at the level of stubbornness my youngest child exhibits, I fear we have many more such stand offs waiting for us!!
PS I took the lock off.
PS I took the lock off.
Shiny happy windows
Our double glazing is complete, 14 windows and 2 doors, all in situ, shiny and glossy and oh so warm!!! The guys from Oakwell (www.oakwellwindows.co.uk) did an absolutely fantastic job and it was a pleasure to provide Ronnie and Andy with cups of tea to help ward off the cold.
And man was it cold!! Having gaping holes where your windows used to be has a tendency to make it just a little bit chilly. It took about 4 days to do the whole lot and it was honestly no problem, they were courteous, helpful, funny and even hoovered up!! Jen, even your room is now warm, as well as having a handy escape if the house caught fire!! It looks completely fantabulous, and now we just have to suffer through another week of dust until the bathroom is complete, which is grimey and depressing but it will be gorgeous when it is done... I am so lucky!!!! (and very grateful to certain man for making it all happen, I love you!).
And man was it cold!! Having gaping holes where your windows used to be has a tendency to make it just a little bit chilly. It took about 4 days to do the whole lot and it was honestly no problem, they were courteous, helpful, funny and even hoovered up!! Jen, even your room is now warm, as well as having a handy escape if the house caught fire!! It looks completely fantabulous, and now we just have to suffer through another week of dust until the bathroom is complete, which is grimey and depressing but it will be gorgeous when it is done... I am so lucky!!!! (and very grateful to certain man for making it all happen, I love you!).
Monday, 15 November 2010
It's only business...
Sam came home from school last week with a burning desire to earn some money. He tried to sell me one of his lego men (that I gave him in the first place!!) for a "real" 50p - this distinction was made because I thought at first that he just wanted to play shops with me so absent mindedly offered him a pretend 50p! I explained that he wasn't allowed to sell his lego and in particular that it was really rather bad form to try and sell it to the person who gave it to you. I suggeated maybe he try selling his services instead, thinking he may offer to do some extra chores for a real 50p ;-)
He went away looking thoughtful and a little while later I hear him yelling "roll up roll up, get your lego building here" from the lounge. I went through and found him set up behind a chest with this sign stuck on
which says...
Real 50p for
lego home
bilt with
a free lego
man
... when I asked for an explanation, I got this. " You give me 50p and I will build you a lego house which you can keep for a week, and you also get a free lego man to live in the house for a week as well. I am selling my lego building services, but you can't keep the lego, you have to give it back after a week". This amused me no end, but I told him that I did not even have a solitary 50p with which to buy this wonderful service (which was true). He looked pityingly at me, and then offered me a job!! "if you help me build the lego houses I will pay you" "how much?" "umm, 1 pound a week?" "but what if you only get one commission a week? then you will be paying me more than you are earning" "oh yeah, okay I will pay you half of what I get" "deal".
Daddy came home, and was immediatly set upon by my little entrepreneur who explained the service he was offereing. Daddy was so amused he offered a £1, but said he wanted a better deal if he was tendering a pound coin. Sam said he could have a buy 2 get one free offer, and so the deal was done. He selected 3 lego men and the lego buildings were decided on the basis of the those men...
70's dude got a stage (I built this one)
the nurse got a portable hospital (?)
and the space guy got a spaceship (obviously!)
... I never did get paid and Steve lost a pound, but I think we were both paid more than enough in amusement!!!
He went away looking thoughtful and a little while later I hear him yelling "roll up roll up, get your lego building here" from the lounge. I went through and found him set up behind a chest with this sign stuck on
Real 50p for
lego home
bilt with
a free lego
man
... when I asked for an explanation, I got this. " You give me 50p and I will build you a lego house which you can keep for a week, and you also get a free lego man to live in the house for a week as well. I am selling my lego building services, but you can't keep the lego, you have to give it back after a week". This amused me no end, but I told him that I did not even have a solitary 50p with which to buy this wonderful service (which was true). He looked pityingly at me, and then offered me a job!! "if you help me build the lego houses I will pay you" "how much?" "umm, 1 pound a week?" "but what if you only get one commission a week? then you will be paying me more than you are earning" "oh yeah, okay I will pay you half of what I get" "deal".
Daddy came home, and was immediatly set upon by my little entrepreneur who explained the service he was offereing. Daddy was so amused he offered a £1, but said he wanted a better deal if he was tendering a pound coin. Sam said he could have a buy 2 get one free offer, and so the deal was done. He selected 3 lego men and the lego buildings were decided on the basis of the those men...
70's dude got a stage (I built this one)
the nurse got a portable hospital (?)
and the space guy got a spaceship (obviously!)
... I never did get paid and Steve lost a pound, but I think we were both paid more than enough in amusement!!!
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Fireworks on the Links
It was the annual fireworks display on the Links tonight, and it was the first time for both Tom and I. Steve and Sam are old hands, but it was always a bit too late for Tom before. The boys an d I were very excited and the excitement didn't dim even though the walk was longer than anticipated! We found a good spot and didn't have to wait too long before the oooohs and aaaahhhs began...
... it was very very very cold, and the walk back to the car was less fun than the walk there! But the boys were the proud owners of light up swords (I know, I know! But at least we escaped without having to go to the funfair as well!!) which made it more bearable. It was a fantastic spectacle - "awesome" was the first word out of Tom's mouth as the sky exploded - the night was clear, the wind was minimal and it was all put on free of charge by the council!
... it was very very very cold, and the walk back to the car was less fun than the walk there! But the boys were the proud owners of light up swords (I know, I know! But at least we escaped without having to go to the funfair as well!!) which made it more bearable. It was a fantastic spectacle - "awesome" was the first word out of Tom's mouth as the sky exploded - the night was clear, the wind was minimal and it was all put on free of charge by the council!
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Insulin pump update
It has finally happened, after so many, many months and discussions, blood tests, finger pricks and jumping through (figurative!) hoops. I am hooked up to an insulin pump. The Accuchek combo insulin spirit
( http://www.accu-chek.co.uk/gb/products/insulinpumps/combo.html )
to be precise. I chose this particular one from a place of absolutely no idea what any of the pumps where like, their pros or cons. They were spread out before and I had to pick one, just like that. The reason I picked this one is that it has a remote control (which is also the blood glucose meter) , so I reasoned that out in public I would be able to give myself meal bolus's unobtrusively. So basically, I am no longer on a long acting insulin to provide me with a 24 hour background of insulin always in my body, and a quick acting insulin given whenever I eat, based on the amount of carbohydrate I am eating. I am now drip fed the quick acting insulin 24 hours a day, and use extra units (bolus) of the same insulin to cover any carbohydrates consumed. The drip feed (called the basal rate) can be adjusted for every hour of the day, once you work out how much your body needs at a particular time. For example we have already established that my insulin requirements are lower in the morning and higher through the night. So I have a basal rate of 0.3 units for each hour between 8am and 1pm, a rate of 0.4 units from 1pm to 11pm and then 0.5 units from 11pm to 8am. And this can be adjusted to be a different rate for each hour if you need it!! It is this that makes it able to mimic a pancreas much more closely.
To be honest it didn't start too well on Monday when I was first hooked up! My diabetic nurse Karen Jones is great - she is not too serious and not too reverential, which lightens the mood a lot, but I also never get a sense that she doesn't know what she is talking about. She told me that when she did her pump training she had to wear a pump in the same way a diabetic does (with saline solution), for 24 hours, so she does know what I mean when I talk about the practical side of it and can empathise honestly. It was a complicated process getting it all set up and when the pump was programmed and I had inserted the cannula, loaded up the insulin cartridge and primed the infusion set, I did feel a very strange sensation wash over me. I did that out of body thing where I felt like I was outside myself watching myself. I did feel very emotional and also a sense despair. Like, okay, this is it, this is my life now, forever 24 hours a day. I wanted to cry.
Anyway I came home with a a ton of reading material about how everything worked and what to do in a hundred different scenarios... and needed to scrabble through it all within a few hours of being home, as a result of the pump beginning to beep incessantly and flash "occlusion alarm" alarm at me. So there I was, ankle deep in paper trying to figure out what I had to do to make it work again, while trying not to panic! I finally worked out what I had to do, and did it. Relief. Anyway the crux of the matter was, although it appeared to be working (ie, no alarms, the insulin was being pumped out) it gradually became apparent that it wasn't. By Tuesday afternoon I was running the highest sugar levels I have ever had. I was really rather unwell, and realised as I lay sobbing on the stairs that I was no longer able to look after Tom. I rang my wonderful friend Karen who came and collected Tom and then fetched Sam from school and kept both kids until after tea. Steve came home and looked after me and my nurse told me to disconnect the pump and revert to my insulin pens until the next day. When I went in to see my diabetic nurse the next day we were unable to figure out what had gone wrong, the pump was clearly pushing the insulin out and there was nowhere else it could have gone except under the skin. And yet, my body was behaving as if it had no insulin in it. So we just started again from scratch, with my back up pump... and since then things have been, well, okay. I have to move the cannula site every 2 - 3 days to ensure the health of the tissue, and full the insulin reservoir at the same time, which is a bit of a faff, but nowhere near as much as having to inject 5 times a day. It is a slow process as we work out what my basal rate is, but I have got the feeling that this is actually going to work.
My despair has not gone away exactly, but I do have a creeping hope that this will change my life.
( http://www.accu-chek.co.uk/gb/products/insulinpumps/combo.html )
to be precise. I chose this particular one from a place of absolutely no idea what any of the pumps where like, their pros or cons. They were spread out before and I had to pick one, just like that. The reason I picked this one is that it has a remote control (which is also the blood glucose meter) , so I reasoned that out in public I would be able to give myself meal bolus's unobtrusively. So basically, I am no longer on a long acting insulin to provide me with a 24 hour background of insulin always in my body, and a quick acting insulin given whenever I eat, based on the amount of carbohydrate I am eating. I am now drip fed the quick acting insulin 24 hours a day, and use extra units (bolus) of the same insulin to cover any carbohydrates consumed. The drip feed (called the basal rate) can be adjusted for every hour of the day, once you work out how much your body needs at a particular time. For example we have already established that my insulin requirements are lower in the morning and higher through the night. So I have a basal rate of 0.3 units for each hour between 8am and 1pm, a rate of 0.4 units from 1pm to 11pm and then 0.5 units from 11pm to 8am. And this can be adjusted to be a different rate for each hour if you need it!! It is this that makes it able to mimic a pancreas much more closely.
To be honest it didn't start too well on Monday when I was first hooked up! My diabetic nurse Karen Jones is great - she is not too serious and not too reverential, which lightens the mood a lot, but I also never get a sense that she doesn't know what she is talking about. She told me that when she did her pump training she had to wear a pump in the same way a diabetic does (with saline solution), for 24 hours, so she does know what I mean when I talk about the practical side of it and can empathise honestly. It was a complicated process getting it all set up and when the pump was programmed and I had inserted the cannula, loaded up the insulin cartridge and primed the infusion set, I did feel a very strange sensation wash over me. I did that out of body thing where I felt like I was outside myself watching myself. I did feel very emotional and also a sense despair. Like, okay, this is it, this is my life now, forever 24 hours a day. I wanted to cry.
Anyway I came home with a a ton of reading material about how everything worked and what to do in a hundred different scenarios... and needed to scrabble through it all within a few hours of being home, as a result of the pump beginning to beep incessantly and flash "occlusion alarm" alarm at me. So there I was, ankle deep in paper trying to figure out what I had to do to make it work again, while trying not to panic! I finally worked out what I had to do, and did it. Relief. Anyway the crux of the matter was, although it appeared to be working (ie, no alarms, the insulin was being pumped out) it gradually became apparent that it wasn't. By Tuesday afternoon I was running the highest sugar levels I have ever had. I was really rather unwell, and realised as I lay sobbing on the stairs that I was no longer able to look after Tom. I rang my wonderful friend Karen who came and collected Tom and then fetched Sam from school and kept both kids until after tea. Steve came home and looked after me and my nurse told me to disconnect the pump and revert to my insulin pens until the next day. When I went in to see my diabetic nurse the next day we were unable to figure out what had gone wrong, the pump was clearly pushing the insulin out and there was nowhere else it could have gone except under the skin. And yet, my body was behaving as if it had no insulin in it. So we just started again from scratch, with my back up pump... and since then things have been, well, okay. I have to move the cannula site every 2 - 3 days to ensure the health of the tissue, and full the insulin reservoir at the same time, which is a bit of a faff, but nowhere near as much as having to inject 5 times a day. It is a slow process as we work out what my basal rate is, but I have got the feeling that this is actually going to work.
My despair has not gone away exactly, but I do have a creeping hope that this will change my life.
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