Dad

9th January
The 4th of January was my Dad's birthday and was, as always, a hard day for me.  I talked to the boys about why I was sad, and they decided that we should have a birthday cake with candles.  Sam also decided that when he blew out the candle he would say "here's to you Grandpa", and also that he would wear his sharks tshirt because it would make Grandpa happy to see it, when he watched us celebrating his birthday.

This year my general upset is complicated by my Mom's imminent move to Cape Town.  As the move comes closer I am more and more aware of how emotionally traumatic the packing up and moving on, is.  My mom spoke to me a little while ago about my dad's ashes and about her wish to leave his ashes at a place called Stellawood Cemetary, where his family's ashes have been left.  I was a bit freaked out by the conversation to be honest.  When we were in Durban last year, and Lara and her family where there as well, we discussed the issue of Dad's ashes and pretty much agreed that that was what we should do, but we ran out of time and didn't get it organised before we had to leave.  So I thought I was at peace with it.  But talking to my mom, the thought of leaving him behind in Durban while the rest of family moved so far away, was really upsetting.  Now I know that it is not him, that that which made him his inimitable self, is not in that box, that we keep our memories with us always.  Nonetheless I was struggling with what we were going to do, although I knew I would do whatever my mom needed me to.   She no longer wants to leave my dad's ashes at Stellawood

When I spoke to my mom today, talking about what we are going to do when I arrive (very soon!), about all the things that need doing.  My mom commented "there are so many things to think about".  It struck me as so bleak.  So despairing.  I thought of how massive a deal this is for her.  How she is leaving her home of what, 45 years or thereabouts, and she is doing it on her own.  My dad was the one sorted all these sorts of things, and there is SO much involved in this particular sort of thing, and I can only imagine how overwhelming all this must feel.  I am so glad that I can be there to help her, in whatever way I can.  So glad that my mom is able to pay for my flight, because there is no way I could have afforded to.  So grateful that Steve is able to work from home for 2 weeks and take care of the boys.  Grateful also that this trip will enable me to say goodbye to the place of my birth, my home town.  Because it is very unlikely that I will ever go back there.  This makes me rather melancholy.  I had a generally happy childhood, I mean I have my pandora's box (with a lid firmly closed!), but I was mostly a normal kid with normal issues, and Pinetown is just wall to wall memories for me.  

12 January
So the whole subject of my Dad's ashes is finally and happily settled, with the help of my best friend's mom, and friend of my mom, Jill Potter.  My mom and Jill went and chose a nice bench (got to be concrete so that it is harder to steal and has no use as firewood!) and a black perspex plaque (can't be brass, it will be stolen!) and the memorial bench will be left at Rovers (http://rovers.co.za/) my dad's rugby club, under the scoreboard on the cricket field.  The box containing his ashes will be buried next to the bench.  And I am really, really happy with all of this.  I love the idea of leaving the bench at Rovers and am also completely at peace with leaving his ashes buried there.  I have realised that my upset was caused mostly by my reluctance to open the box, and not about leaving the box behind. 

13 January
Sam said the following to me:
I'm not worried about the voices in my head anymore (what!!!!!!) because I don't think it is strange voices anymore, I think it is actually Grandpa talking to me.
Me:
Err, what does the voice say?
Sam:
It says my name in a really nice way.

Now I'm thinking - voices!  what voices?  how long has he been hearing voices in his head?  does he actually hear voices?  is it actually my voice he is hearing when he is in one of his little dream worlds?  is he just trying to make me feel good?
and also ( a little tiny bit of me)  wouldn't that be such a wondrous thing.